"My elderly mother keeps repeating the same things and asking the same questions over and again. I'm getting quite stressed and worry about getting angry with her. What can I do?" Eldercare specialist and life coach, Dr. Lesley Trenner provides her expert advice on this personal dilemma
Dear Lesley
I care for my elderly mother and in recent months she has begun to repeat the same things, and ask the same questions, repeatedly. It has got worse over the last few weeks and the other day, for example, she asked me the same thing sixteen times within a matter of a few minutes.
I'm not a qualified carer and lack the patience that a full-time carer would need, and am starting to feel quite stressed by it all. Is there a technique I can use, to help me keep calm and not get angry and upset, and also something I can do to help steer my mother away from her repetitive course of conversation?
I really sympathise with you. My mother used to ring me dozens of times during the day with the same question and unless you've experienced this it's hard to understand just how frustrating it can be.
Much as we may know that repetitive questioning is a symptom of dementia and that we "ought" to be patient, we still get stressed out. If we try and answer the same question over and over again, the stress levels shoot up. If we snap or ignore it, we feel guilty. It can get to the point where it feels like the person is "doing it on purpose" to be annoying, even though we know logically that it's part of their illness.
I think the first step towards coping is to realise that there is no "solution". No matter what we do, the person with dementia will repeat themselves. But although we can't stop repetitive questioning, we can try to understand why it happens and find different ways to react. This can reduce the amount it happens or at least lower the tension so it's possible to concentrate on other things.
Why do people with dementia ask the same question over and over again, sometimes within minutes?
Figuring out what the question means can be a guide to knowing how to handle it. With that in mind, here are some suggested ways to deal with repetitive questions. It's hard though because dementia affects everyone differently and it can take a while to work out what's best for any one person in a given situation, especially as the disease progresses.
If at all possible, keep calm. Avoid shouting, getting cross or saying "I've just told you that". It would take a saint not to do this sometimes but it increases the stress for the person being asked and the person asking the question, making it more likely that they will keep asking. Pre-empt the question or the worry behind it. For example, if you know there is anxiety about someone who isn't there, you can keep saying "I am here, I am looking after you today."
Sometimes, it may be best just to answer the same question over and over again. In that case:
One of the hardest things about repetitive questioning is how bad it can make the listener feel, especially if you are trying to do other things at the same time. Or it may feel rude or disrespectful not to keep answering.
I think the most important thing here is to recognise that this is not a "normal" conversation and some of the ways in which you communicate with your mother no longer apply. You shouldn't worry about being overly accurate or honest. If you are talking to your parent, it can be hard to take on board the idea that you are now "parenting" them.
I do hope this helps.
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Dr Lesley Trenner is one of the My Family Care Speak to an Expert advisors and offers support for people with eldercare challenges, particularly balancing work and care