What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who’s Lonely
Loneliness isn’t just a sad word; it’s a real challenge for many older adults. A recent Age UK study found that around 940,000 people aged 65 and over in the UK often feel lonely*.
If you're a carer, finding the right words to comfort an elderly loved one who’s feeling lonely isn’t always easy. You might feel unsure about what to say or do, or worry that your frustration or silence could come across the wrong way. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
In this article, we offer practical advice and compassionate guidance to help you navigate the complexities of elderly loneliness.
Try to avoid saying: “At least you have…”
You probably mean well when you say this - it's often a way of trying to help someone see the positives in their life. But when someone’s feeling lonely, this kind of comment can unintentionally dismiss their emotions.
Everyone’s experience is different, and just because someone might be financially secure, for example, doesn’t mean they can’t feel deeply alone. In fact, this kind of response can come across as toxic positivity, minimising real feelings in favour of forced optimism.
Try this instead: “I know you’re having a hard time. Would it help to talk more about what’s been on your mind?”
This kind of response is much more validating. It shows empathy and opens the door for your loved one to share what they’re going through. Older adults often spend more time alone, which naturally leads to introspection. Instead of rushing to reassure or distract them, allow space for those reflections, and gently guide them toward outlets like writing, group talks, or speaking to a trained listener if that feels right.
If they’re unsure how to respond, you could gently offer some suggestions like looking into befriending services. For example, Age UK offers a lovely telephone friendship service through The Silver Line.
You might also suggest helping them get set up with technology so they can stay connected with friends and family, even from a distance.
Try to avoid saying: “But you’re not alone”
It’s a common misunderstanding that loneliness only happens when someone is physically alone. But the truth is, you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people. It’s not about how many others are around - it’s about how connected you feel to them.
Your elderly loved one might be living with a partner, chatting with neighbours, or seeing family now and then, but still feel emotionally distant. Maybe they miss deeper conversations, shared laughter, or just someone who really gets them.
Try this instead: “I know it can feel lonely even when others are around. What kind of connection are you missing most?”
This opens the door to a more meaningful conversation about why they feel alone. Are they missing deep conversations? Shared memories? Someone who understands their past? Once you understand what kind of connection they’re longing for, you can help them find more tailored support - whether that’s through a social group, counselling, or just more regular one-on-one time with you. Here are some alternative questions worth asking (only if they are comfortable):
- “Can you tell me more about when you feel most alone?”
- “Are there certain times of day or situations that make you feel more isolated?”
- “What helps you feel more connected or comforted?”
Try to avoid saying: “You just need to get out more”
This phrase can unintentionally suggest that the person’s loneliness is their fault, when in reality, it’s often much more complicated than that. For many older adults, “getting out” may not be easy due to mobility issues, fatigue, or anxiety. And even when they do go out, it might not meet their emotional needs.
Try this instead: “Would you like some help finding new ways to connect with others?”
If your loved one has opened up to you about feeling lonely, that’s a huge first step. Studies show that 9 in 10 older adults who often feel lonely also report feeling unhappy or depressed*, so reaching out might not have been easy for them. Let them know how proud you are of them for sharing something so personal. And now that the door is open, you can work through it together.
This keeps the focus on their needs, not their limitations. Maybe they’d enjoy joining a local hobby group but don’t know where to start, or perhaps they’d like to try video calls but aren’t confident with technology. Offering to help them take the first step, whether that’s making a call, looking something up, or setting up a device, can make all the difference.
Try to avoid saying: “You just have to keep busy”
Keeping busy might work for some people, but for others, especially older adults, this advice can feel dismissive or unrealistic. It suggests that loneliness is simply a time-management issue, when in reality, it often stems from a deeper need for meaningful connection, not just activity.
Try this instead: “Would you like to plan something together this week, even just a phone call or a cup of tea?”
Rather than putting the responsibility solely on them to "stay busy," this approach offers a shared solution. It shows you're not just giving advice from a distance - you’re willing to be part of the connection they may be missing. Whether it’s a weekly call, a visit, or helping them sign up for a local group, being proactive with them is often what matters most.
If all else fails: “I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you.”
This simple phrase carries a lot of emotional weight. It’s gentle, non-intrusive, and doesn’t demand a response. It lets your loved one know that they’re on your mind - not just when you’re physically with them or performing caregiving tasks, but even in the quiet moments in between.
If you’re worried that an elderly loved one might be feeling lonely, it’s important to know that they might not always say it out loud. Many older adults find it hard to open up about these feelings. If you're unsure what signs to look for, take a look at our earlier article, Loneliness Signs to Watch Out for in Elderly Parents or Relatives, where we share helpful tips on spotting the subtle clues.