When 'Life' Presents Change, it's a Natural Pause and Assess Who is Doing What

Many of the roles we take on at home develop quietly over time, until something changes and we're asked to rethink them. In this article, Duncan Fisher explores why these patterns form, and what happens when they no longer fit.

From time to time, we can all fall prey to the trap of stereotypes, but when life changes happen, it presents a natural opportunity to discuss who does what, and why one partner might be performing certain roles over another.

An ever-changing landscape

A sign of our times is the increasing variability at work. Most of us are in and out of jobs every few years. Periods of unemployment are no longer unusual or a mark of bad luck - families need to plan for them.

What happens at work largely defines how we organise the rest of our lives, including parenting. This is not just a modern phenomenon, it has applied throughout human history. Flexibility is the name of the game, and it largely explains why human beings have been so successful as a species, able to survive and adapt in an incredible variety of environments.

When we renegotiate domestic arrangements as work changes, we tend to face two challenges.

1. Falling into a routine

The first is the natural, and rational, tendency for people to create routines around the tasks that they are responsible for, they create a domain over which they have control. It is difficult to move into another domain, and even more difficult to let one go. For example, if one parent has become "in charge" at home, changing the authority can be very tricky - both parents really have to want it to change. If only one does, the situation can become stuck.

2. The emotional ties

Alongside this practical challenge, there is also an emotional one. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy can easily begin to surface.

We have emerged from a relatively unusual period in history, where the expectation was that mothers stayed at home and fathers went out to work. Before the Industrial Revolution, people tended to live in larger family groups, where caring responsibilities were shared more widely. The idea that "it takes a village to raise a child" was, at that time, a lived reality.

A creative species

Modern parents may not consciously look back to that division of labour as a model, but the story of it remains deeply embedded in our culture. Over time, we have developed beliefs to make sense of a strong separation of roles.

• We have constructed the idea of a "primary carer", which historically did not exist in the same way, along with the assumption that a child forms only one primary attachment rather than several.
• We have developed the image of men as "hunter gatherers" who leave the home to provide, which is itself a simplified and often inaccurate interpretation of how those societies actually functioned.

• We have created a strong cultural belief that the quality of mothering is the key influence on children, when in reality the overall functioning of the family group has always played the most significant role.

When circumstances change, feeling of guilt can sit just below the surface. Both parents may be carrying different concerns, even if they are not always expressed.

Removing the concept of fault

Simply recognising that these challenges are real is often the first important step. It moves the focus away from blame, and away from the idea that the situation is one person's fault.

Instead, it becomes about how the family, as a unit, works things out in response to shifting demands. Conversations about roles and responsibilities can begin, even if the scope for change is quite limited.

Understanding and having empathy for the other person's situation is a fundamental part of any strong relationship. And if work has just changed, it is likely that things will shift again before too long. Revisiting arrangements regularly can help keep things workable.

One tip that can be particularly helpful is to recognise and support the parenting strengths of the other person. This is something all successful teams do well.

Duncan Fisher, OBE, Father of Two