Inclusive Language Matters: Moving Beyond Assumptions About Parenthood
Most people don't set out to exclude others.
In fact, the comments that make people feel unseen are often intended as signs of interest, kindness or support. A quick question in the kitchen. A congratulatory message in a team chat. A casual conversation before a meeting starts.
The challenge is that many of us have grown up with a fairly narrow picture of what parenthood looks like. But as families become more diverse, the language we use doesn't always keep pace.
Parenthood can begin through pregnancy, adoption, surrogacy, donor conception, fostering or kinship care. People may become parents as part of a couple, as a single parent, or within a blended family that includes stepchildren. Some people spend years trying to become parents. Others may hope to have children but find their journey takes a different direction.
Being mindful of the assumptions hidden within everyday conversations can help create a workplace where everyone feels respected, included and able to share as much or as little about their personal lives as they choose.
The assumptions we don't realise we're making
Many workplace conversations about family planning and preparation start from the same place.
Questions such as:
- "When are you due?"
- "Have you started trying for a baby?"
- "Will your husband be taking leave too?"
- "Who is the mum and who is the dad?"
- "Is this your first pregnancy?"
often seem perfectly reasonable on the surface. However, each question assumes something about another person's circumstances.
For someone pursuing adoption, there may be no pregnancy to discuss. For a same-sex couple, traditional assumptions about parental roles may not apply. For a single parent, questions about a partner may feel uncomfortable. For someone experiencing fertility challenges, seemingly innocent questions can be painful reminders of a journey they may not be ready to talk about.
Family life itself is more varied than many people realise. The *Office for National Statistics found there were 781,000 step-families in England and Wales in 2021, including around 1.1 million dependent children living in step-families. These figures are a reminder that the assumptions we make about family structures may not reflect the experiences of the people sitting beside us at work.
…This doesn't mean we should avoid conversations about family life. It simply means recognising that we don't always know somebody's full story.
Inclusive language isn't about getting everything right
When people hear the phrase "inclusive language", they sometimes worry about saying the wrong thing. In reality, inclusive language is less about memorising the perfect terminology and more about remaining open-minded.
For example:
Instead of:
- Mum and dad
Consider:
- Parents
- Caregivers
- Family members
Instead of:
- Natural parents
Consider:
- Birth parents
Instead of:
- Your own child
Consider:
- Your child
These small shifts acknowledge that families come in many different forms without drawing unnecessary attention to those differences.
Most people won't remember every phrase suggested in an article like this. What matters is developing a habit of choosing language that leaves room for different experiences rather than assuming everyone shares the same one.
Not every family has two parents
One assumption that often goes unnoticed is that parenting responsibilities are shared between two adults.
Comments such as:
- "Can your partner pick them up?"
- "Maybe your husband can take the day off."
- "Can your wife cover that appointment?"
can unintentionally exclude single parents or those who do not have another adult sharing caring responsibilities.
Single-parent families are far from unusual. In fact, around *one in four families with dependent children in the UK is headed by a single parent. Yet workplace conversations can still be filled with references to an assumed partner.
Using more open language allows people to share details about their circumstances if they wish, rather than feeling they need to correct assumptions.
Support looks different for everyone
Workplace traditions often focus on pregnancy and birth, but not every family-building journey follows that path.
Someone going through adoption may be navigating assessments, training, waiting periods and matching processes long before a child arrives. Intended parents pursuing surrogacy may be managing legal, financial and emotional considerations that colleagues know little about. People experiencing fertility challenges may be balancing appointments, treatment cycles and uncertainty while carrying on with their day-to-day responsibilities.
There is no single right way to acknowledge or celebrate these milestones.
Some people enjoy sharing updates with colleagues. Others prefer to keep personal matters private. Some may appreciate workplace celebrations, while others may not.
A simple question such as, "How would you like us to support you?" is often more helpful than making assumptions about what somebody needs.
Remember that some journeys are invisible
Not all experiences of parenthood, or hopes of becoming a parent, are visible to others.
A colleague may be going through fertility investigations. Someone may be waiting for an adoption match. Another person may be grieving unsuccessful treatment, pregnancy loss or the possibility that parenthood may not happen for them.
We rarely know what sits behind another person's circumstances. That’s why comments such as "You'll be next" or "When are you having children?" can sometimes land differently than intended.
Approaching conversations with sensitivity doesn't require us to walk on eggshells. It simply means recognising that family-building journeys are often more complex than they appear from the outside.
Creating a workplace where every family feels recognised
Most people don't expect colleagues to have all the answers or always use perfect language. What makes the greatest difference is feeling that their experiences are acknowledged rather than overlooked, and that they won't be expected to explain or justify their family structure.
Inclusive language is ultimately about respect. It's about choosing words that reflect the reality that there is no single route to parenthood and no single definition of family. When we move beyond assumptions, we create space for colleagues to feel seen, supported and valued, whatever their family-building journey may look like.