How to Speak Up for Your Needs as a Parent or Carer
When you become a parent or a carer, it can often feel like someone else’s needs always come before yours. Prioritising your dependent seems to come instinctively, and while there is nothing wrong with this, but in the process, your own needs can often be neglected. This is why clear communication of your own needs and desires is essential for maintaining balance and wellbeing at home.
In this guide, we offer practical tips to help you confidently express your needs, set boundaries, and advocate for yourself in a supportive and constructive way.
Use “I” statements
When you consistently put the needs of others above your own, it can feel unfamiliar to start advocating for yourself. Those around you may have even become accustomed to this, making it even more important to communicate your needs clearly. Being explicit about what you're stating using “I” statements helps ensure your message is understood and respected.
For example, instead of saying to your partner, "You never listen to me and don’t help enough with our family," reframe it as, "I feel ignored when I’m not listened to. It makes me feel like I carry too much of the mental load of the family."
By using "I" statements, you focus on your feelings and needs, making the conversation more constructive and creating a supportive environment for addressing concerns.
Tailor your communication
How you communicate your needs as a parent or caregiver will largely depend on your audience. When speaking to your family, especially if you have a young child, it's important to use age-appropriate language so they can understand the message you're trying to convey. For example, you might say, "Just like you, sometimes I need to take care of myself too. This means I need some quiet time to recharge after working, just like when you nap to feel better after school" Using simple and relatable explanations helps children grasp the concept of self-care.
Encourage your child to ask questions when you express your needs. This can support in creating a culture of mutual respect and understanding, while also teaching them the importance of self-care from an early age.
Ask for Support and Delegate Tasks
Many parents and carers feel they have to do everything alone, but it’s okay to ask for help. Be specific when requesting support, whether from a partner, family member, or friend. Instead of saying, "I need more help around the house," try, "Can you take care of bedtime tonight so I can have a break?"
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Clearly define what you need in order to maintain balance, and don’t feel guilty about enforcing those boundaries. For example, if you set aside 30 minutes of uninterrupted time for yourself each day, communicate this expectation and follow through.
Be assertive, not aggressive
Being assertive is a powerful tool for communicating your needs as a parent or carer. It allows you to advocate for yourself and create a supportive and respected environment where everyone's needs are acknowledged, enhancing your wellbeing and the quality of care you provide. Sometimes, however, it can be hard for some to distinguish between assertive and aggressive communication. Ultimately, assertiveness involves clearly expressing your feelings to reduce misunderstandings, while remaining respectful. This direct communication style includes:
- Direct eye contact, without glaring
- Using a strong, confident voice
- Using non-threatening language
- Providing clarity with explanations
Aggressive communication, on the other hand, involves:
- Raising your voice
- Aiming to dominate or intimidate others
- Focusing on winning an argument
- Using body language such as glaring and invading personal space
Effective communication isn’t just about expressing your own needs - it’s also about listening. Encourage open conversations by asking for feedback and showing that you value the other person’s perspective. This helps create a two-way dialogue rather than just stating your needs.
Choose the right time
Speaking up about your needs is essential for maintaining your well-being, but choosing the right time to communicate is just as important for ensuring your message is received. For example, if your family is under stress while caring for an elderly relative during a medical emergency, it may not be the best moment to discuss your needs and share responsibilities.
Instead, try to find a calmer time to initiate the conversation. This shouldn’t be a one-time discussion but the beginning of an ongoing dialogue. Effective communication is a continuous process that requires patience, understanding, and empathy from everyone involved.
Be honest
Feelings of guilt are very common for parents and carers. While both roles can be incredibly rewarding, they can also be emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding. Yet, admitting this can be met with criticism from those who don’t understand your situation. However, it's perfectly okay to acknowledge that you're struggling, or simply that you need to prioritise your own needs right now.
Honesty goes a long way in communication; don't tip-toe around what you need. Instead of saying you're feeling a bit tired, clearly express that you need to take specific actions to protect your wellbeing. For instance, you might say, "I need to take a break from picking the children up tomorrow to recharge.". Remember, taking care of yourself is essential for being able to care for others effectively.