Are You a Secondary Carer? Understanding Your Role and Finding Balance

Caregiving is often seen as an all-consuming responsibility, typically falling on one primary carer who manages day-to-day tasks. However, many people provide essential support in a secondary role - helping out while also balancing full-time jobs, personal responsibilities, and other commitments.

If you help care for a loved one - whether through occasional visits, coordinating finances, handling logistics, or stepping in when needed - you are a secondary carer. While this role may not involve daily hands-on care, it comes with its own set of pressures, particularly when combined with workplace responsibilities.

The invisible load of a secondary carer

Secondary carers experience a different kind of burden from primary carers. Because their involvement is intermittent, their stress may be less visible—but it is no less significant.

For example, you might:

• Act as the go-to problem solver - fielding calls at work when an emergency arises.
• Take on financial and administrative responsibilities - managing medical bills, insurance paperwork, or legal matters.
• Be an emotional anchor - providing stability to both the primary carer and the loved one receiving care.
• Step in as a backup - when the primary carer is sick, overwhelmed, or needs a break.
• Coordinate long-distance care - handling everything remotely if you live in another city or country.

These tasks may not be physically exhausting, but they create an ongoing mental and emotional burden, especially when they disrupt work routines and personal time.

Balancing work and caregiving as a secondary carer

1. Workplace struggles of a secondary carer

Unlike primary carers, who often have access to statutory leave or workplace flexibility policies, secondary carers exist in a grey area.

For example, if a primary carer has an emergency, the secondary carer may need to take over at short notice. However, because their caregiving role isn’t consistent, their employer may be less understanding when they request flexibility. Unlike primary carers who can negotiate long-term accommodations, secondary carers often face last-minute disruptions - making it harder to plan ahead at work.

What can help?

• Clarify your workplace policies: Some employers offer flexible arrangements informally, even if they are not widely advertised. Speak with HR to understand what’s possible.
• Frame caregiving responsibilities professionally: If you need flexibility, position it in a way that is solution-oriented and aligns with business needs. Instead of saying, “I need time off to help my mum,” say, “I can ensure work remains on track if I can start earlier today and leave by 4 PM.”
• Keep work boundaries clear: If your caregiving duties are affecting your workload, have a conversation with your manager about what’s realistic. Rather than overpromising and struggling to deliver, set clear expectations for what you can manage.

2. Managing the mental strain of dual responsibilities

Secondary carers often mentally check in on their loved one even when they are not physically present, which can be exhausting.

For example, you might be in a work meeting but preoccupied with whether your elderly parent remembered to take their medication. Or you might spend your evenings researching care options instead of unwinding after a long day.

How can you manage this?

• Establish structured check-ins: Instead of constantly worrying, set designated times to check in. A quick call during lunch or an evening update from the primary carer can help reduce mental distractions during work hours.
• Use digital tools: Apps like medication reminders, shared calendars, and automated bill payments can help manage caregiving responsibilities more efficiently.
• Acknowledge your own stress: Just because you’re not a full-time carer doesn’t mean your emotional load isn’t valid. Recognising this can help you seek support when needed.

3. Avoiding burnout when you’re “on call”

One of the biggest challenges for secondary carers is the unpredictability of their role. Unlike primary carers, who have structured routines, secondary carers may have long periods of normalcy followed by sudden, intense involvement.

For example, as a secondary carer who usually provides weekend care may need drop everything and take over completely if the primary carer is hospitalised, or if there is a medical emergency.

What can help?

• Have a contingency plan: If an emergency arises, have a clear action plan - who will cover work responsibilities? What backup support can you call on?
• Communicate with the primary carer ahead of time: Instead of waiting for a crisis, discuss scenarios in advance. If they fall ill, what should be the immediate steps? This avoids last-minute panic and workplace conflicts.
• Set personal recovery time: After an intense caregiving period, schedule downtime before diving straight back into full work mode. This helps prevent long-term burnout.

4. Navigating family expectations

Family dynamics can make secondary caregiving more complex. If the primary carer feels overwhelmed, they may unintentionally place more pressure on you. Other relatives may not understand the extent of your involvement and assume you have more time or resources than you do.

How to handle this?

• Set clear boundaries: It’s okay to say no to requests that go beyond what you can realistically handle. Be honest about what you can contribute and be specific about your availability. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” say “I can take over for a weekend every two months.”
• Redefine what “helping” means: Support doesn’t always have to be physical. If you can’t be present, you might contribute by handling financial matters, researching treatment options, or offering emotional support to the primary carer.
• Let go of perfectionism: Caregiving is rarely perfect. Some days, you will be more available than others. Accepting this can help reduce unnecessary guilt.

5. The emotional toll of being a “helper” rather than the primary carer

Secondary carers can experience emotional detachment or guilt because they are not as involved in daily caregiving. This can lead to feelings of helplessness or frustration, especially if they feel they should be doing more but are unable to.

For example:

• If you live in a different city, you may feel guilty that you can’t provide hands-on care.
• If the primary carer is struggling, you may feel powerless to help them in a meaningful way.

What can help?

• Acknowledge the value of your role: Providing financial, logistical, or emotional support is just as important as hands-on care.
• Focus on quality interactions: If you can’t be there every day, make the time you do have meaningful - whether that’s a video call, a thoughtful message, or a weekend visit.
• Seek external support: Counsellors, carers’ networks, or even talking to friends in similar situations can help you process your emotions.

Final thoughts

Being a secondary carer is a complex role that requires balancing work, personal life, and caregiving responsibilities. The emotional burden, unpredictability, and family expectations can make it challenging, but with clear boundaries, communication, and planning, it is possible to navigate this role without burning out.

Secondary carers play an essential part in the caregiving ecosystem. Even if your contributions aren’t always visible, they make a real difference - to your loved one, to the primary carer, and to the overall quality of care.