How to Balance Work with an Emotionally Needy Parent

If you have an emotionally dependent parent, it can often start to affect all aspects of your life - not just the evenings and weekends. There are a few things you can try to mitigate those feelings of guilt, reassure your loved one and reclaim your time.

You're just about to start work again after eating some lunch when the phone rings. You know who it is before you even look, because it's the same person who calls you every day, just for a chat, regardless of the work/meeting/school run that's also vying for your time.

If you have an emotionally dependent parent, it can often start to affect all aspects of your life - not just the evenings and weekends. There are a few things you can try to mitigate those feelings of guilt, reassure your loved one and reclaim your time.

Be Clear with Them

While it can be uncomfortable to say outright that your parent is being overwhelming, they won't know unless you are upfront about how you feel. People can usually sense when someone is walking on eggshells around them or behaving passive-aggressively, and the suspicious atmosphere it creates can lead them to jump to conclusions that are worse than the initial shock of hearing the truth.

It's possible that your parent isn't even aware that they're overdoing it, so a gentle conversation about boundaries might be all you need to ensure you're both on the same page. It helps to have conversations like this sooner rather than later to avoid any built-up resentment down the line.

Manage Their Expectations

It's kind of like managing a tricky client. You want what's best for both of you, but you also need to set their expectations at the right level so you don't disappoint them.

Have a chat with your parent and let them know when you will and won't be free to chat. If they call during working hours, or during meetings, they can't expect you to answer. Perhaps you can agree that they should ring twice if it's an emergency.

It's also important to stick to your own rules. If you call your parent during a quiet spell at work, it could encourage them to call you at that same time again.

Establish a Routine

Block out some time in your schedule to chat with your parent. How often this happens will depend on your availability between other responsibilities and ensure that when you do chat, your parent will have your undivided attention. This will give them something to look forward to, as well as reassure them that making time to chat is a priority of yours. Scheduled calls will also prevent you from forgetting to make good on your plans. If you're close enough to schedule regular in-person visits, then you can also make time for that.

Understand the Reason Behind the Behaviour

Is this regular behaviour for your parent, or something temporary? Big changes, such as the last child leaving home, retirement or death, can cause a sudden change in how often your parent reaches out to you. Supporting the root cause of their dependency can benefit both of you.

If your loved one is lonely or bored, try encouraging them to take up a new hobby, meet up with old friends or make new ones. You could even learn something new together and get competitive with it, so your parent takes time to improve during time apart.

It might be that your parent is talking to you regularly as a way to work through their own struggles. While it's good to be supportive, they may need the help of a licenced therapist or counsellor

If your parent is worried about you, sending them a text update every now and then could be enough to keep them reassured in between phone calls.

Be Mindful of Your Own Actions

Be careful of acting towards your parent in the exact same ways you're trying to prevent in them. If you don't want them to show up at your home or workplace unannounced or call you at unreasonable hours of the day, don't do the same to them. Flipping the situation on its head can help you see where you might have been silently enabling their boundaryless behaviour.

Show Appreciation

While your ultimate goal might be to reduce how often your parent contacts you, you don't want your loved one to feel as though their attempts at connecting with you are completely unwanted. Be truthful about how you feel, while still expressing your appreciation for them as a person and how much you value the relationship.