5 Top Tips for Avoiding Conflict with Your Child

Blog > 5 Top Tips for Avoiding Conflict with Your Child

We all want to raise independent, confident, and resilient children. But the result of that can be children who are more prone to stand their ground and exercise this confidence. Parenting coach Ben Jackson shares five methods that can help you with your persuading skills.

If you find yourself struggling to reason with your child, and they just don't seem to be listen, try these five simple techniques.

1. Create choice

Often conflict arises when the other person feels they have no choice. One solution around this is to provide your child with a selection that still meets your needs and allows the task to get done.

Here are some examples:

Getting out of the house:

  • "Do you want to put your coat on first or your shoes?"
  • "Do you want to listen to nursery rhymes or Disney songs in the car?"
  • "Do you want to take your teddy or your doll with you?"

Bedtimes:

  • "Would you like to go to bed now or in 5 minutes?"
  • "Would you like to brush your teeth or have a bath first?"
  • "Do you want to choose the bedtime story or shall I?"

Eating:

  • "Did you want to eat the carrots or the peas first?"
  • "Would you rather have milk or water to drink?"

2. Misdirection

I'll also add a personal favourite that still works, even for my 11-year-old.

"How quickly can you get upstairs to brush your teeth?"

Or

"Who's the first to get upstairs and ready for bed?"

My children hear this and they are up those stairs in seconds. It's so effective that it's like you are the master of some dark mind magic.

In reality, most children love a bit of competition and a game, and by making going upstairs to start the bedtime routine a game, you might save yourself the battle.

3. Keep it positive

Say what you would like your child to do and avoid telling them what you don't want them to do. How you phrase things can make a huge impact and this is just a neat trick that refines your own language and has the side benefit of helping you focus away from the negative. Look for the chances to remove 'don't' or 'can't' and rephrase without using 'not'.

For example:

  • "Don't make a mess" becomes "Keep it tidy"
  • "Don't run" becomes "Can you try walking instead?"
  • "Can't you stop doing that?" becomes "What else can you do?"

You can also try having a little fun with this method:

  • "I do not want you to go and wash your hands for dinner."

My three laugh and rush to wash their hands. Children often love doing what they are told not to, so see if you use this method with the tasks that usually end up in a stand-off.

4. The Ben Franklin effect - ask a favour

We experience a psychological effect when we are asked to do a favour for someone. Often, we look to comply and help. When needed I've used it to stop a situation from escalating, especially as the request interrupts the developing pattern of negative behaviour.

It can be as simple as: "Could you pass me the broom please?"

Note: you could use 'can' in place of 'could', however 'could' contains the element of choice and is therefore less direct.

  • "Could you help me carry the bag into the house?"
  • "Could you do me a favour and open the door please?"

5. Ask indirectly

Invite your child to look beyond what you want them to do and highlight the benefit. You soften their attention from what you want them to do by focusing on the reward of the action.

  • "When you get your teeth brushed, I can read you a story."
  • "When you wash your hands, you'll be ready to eat dinner."
  • "When you quieten down, we can start watching the film."

It's just a subtle language shift yet it can alter the course of a potential conflict and focus on solutions.

Finally

It's useful to note that these phrases can be mixed together. They are not static so feel free to use them dynamically, for example:

  • "When you open the door for me, we can have a drink and a snack."
  • "When you've finished your homework, could you help me with the baking?"

While there is no guarantee that you'll get the response you want every time, you are now a little better 'tooled up' with options that may help alleviate a challenging situation.

Play around with these ideas and see what works and feels right for you.

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Ben Jackson, leadership and parent transition coach and one of the experts behind our Speak to an Expert service for our clients