How to Apologise: The Power of Owning Mistakes

Whether it’s admitting a mistake you made at work or apologising to a loved one for losing your temper, setting aside pride and taking responsibility for your actions can be tough. However, a sincere apology holds great power - it can heal relationships, restore trust, and show emotional intelligence. Here’s how you can offer an apology that resonates and repairs.

1. Think about the why

Before you apologise, take a moment to reflect on the reasons behind why you feel the need to say sorry. What specific actions or words are you addressing? How did they affect the other person? Consider whether this apology stems from genuine understanding or if someone else has urged you to make amends. Are you apologising to truly take responsibility, or simply to ease discomfort? Thoughtful self-reflection ensures your apology is sincere rather than just a reaction to external pressure.

For example, instead of saying, "I'm sorry for what I did," which may feel vague and insincere, try something more specific, such as:

"I'm really sorry for interrupting you during the meeting. I realize it may have made you feel unheard, and that wasn’t my intention. I’ll make sure to be more mindful and let you finish speaking next time."

This approach acknowledges the specific impact of your actions and validates the other person’s feelings, demonstrates that you have truly processed the consequences of your actions.

2. Take responsibility

It's perfectly okay to admit when you've made a mistake. After all, they’re a natural part of life, and learning from them is what truly matters. While it might be uncomfortable to ultimately say, "Yes, I was in the wrong," remember that this discomfort is only temporary.

In these situations, steer clear of shifting the blame onto others and if someone else was also involved - it's their responsibility to address their part.

For example, instead of saying, "I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t reacted that way, I wouldn’t have said what I did," which shifts the blame, try:

"I was wrong to speak to you that way. I let my frustration get the best of me, and that wasn’t fair to you."

This keeps the focus on your own actions, avoids deflecting blame, and demonstrates maturity and sincerity in making amends.

3. Leave out the “buts”

"But I was tired after a long day." "But my alarm didn't wake me up." "But—"

It's easy to come up with countless excuses for why something did or didn’t happen. While there is a distinction between excuses and genuine explanations, in this context, the focus should be on offering sincere apologies that aren’t clouded by justification.

4. Choose an appropriate place and time

When apologising, both the timing and the method matter. Consider who you’re apologizing to and the context of the situation. Was the incident at work, or was it with a friend or family member? In some cases, a face-to-face apology is the best way to express sincerity and emotion. However, in professional settings or when distance is a factor, a well-crafted email or message might be more appropriate.

Timing is just as important as the method. Apologising too soon - before emotions have settled - might come across as insincere or dismissive. On the other hand, waiting too long could make the other person feel that their feelings aren’t valued. Choose a moment when both of you are in the right mindset to have a meaningful conversation.

For example, instead of immediately launching into an apology, you might say:

"I’d really like to talk about what happened and apologize, but I want to make sure you’re ready for that conversation. Would you be open to discussing it now, or would you prefer some time?" This approach shows respect for their feelings and gives them space if they need it.

Regardless of how and when you apologise, ensure your message is clear, heartfelt, and appropriate for your relationship with the other person.

5. Outline actionable steps and do them!

You've apologised, which is an important first step—but what comes next?

Consider this example:

"I apologise for missing the deadline on this critical project. Moving forward, I plan to optimise my workflow by using a project management tool like Asana to stay organized and better manage my time."

This example underscores the importance of not just saying sorry but also taking responsibility and outlining concrete steps to prevent the same mistake from happening again. By acknowledging the impact of your actions and proposing a solution, you demonstrate a commitment to change. Beyond words, follow through on your promises and consistently implement these improvements over time to regain the other person’s trust.

6. Listen and validate

An apology isn’t just about saying sorry - it’s also about truly listening to the other person. After you apologise, give them space to share how they feel without interrupting or becoming defensive. Let them express their emotions and perspective, even if it’s difficult to hear, and validate their emotions.

For example, instead of saying, "I already apologised - can we move on?" try:

"I understand that my actions hurt you, and I really want to hear your perspective. Please let me know how you’re feeling."

It’s also important to be prepared for the possibility that they may not be ready to accept your apology right away. Healing takes time, and forcing forgiveness can make things worse. If they need space, respect that, and reassure them that you’re committed to making things right. A genuine apology is about accountability, not immediate resolution.

Don’t overdo it

By this stage, you should have a clear understanding of why you apologized and have delivered your apology effectively. While you may still feel a pang of guilt for your actions, it’s important to let go of this feeling - for both your own well-being and the person you’re apologizing to.

Understand that you can’t change the past, so instead of over-apologising or doing elaborate gestures to please the other person, your focus should be on moving forward and taking meaningful steps to prevent the same mistake. Remember, an apology is for them - not for you or simply to ease your conscience.