Trying to reconcile the demands of work and life can be extremely difficult. Leadership & Parent Transition Coach Rebecca Ford-Johnson explains how you might succeed using your own preferred natural style.
In my work as a Leadership and Parent Transition Coach, I spend a lot of time talking to parents (or parents-to-be) about the balance between work and family life, or "work-life balance", as it is commonly known. To me, this term suggests that work time and family time are at opposing ends of a set of scales, and that to have the 'perfect solution' the two must be equal.
I believe, however, that the two need not be perfectly balanced in order for someone to feel they have the right blend - and that the blend can shift from day to day, month to month or even year to year. So, I tend to use the word 'blend' rather than 'balance'.
This resonates with me because I am what we might call an 'integrator' rather than a 'separator', meaning that, although my work tends to take place within certain hours, I don't have a problem blurring the line between work and life when I need to.
So, for example, while the children are having a 20 min TV downtime after school, I will check my emails to see if there's anything that I can quickly deal with then and there. But if I can't deal with it quickly, I will leave it until later (mentally putting it into a 'box' so that it doesn't distract me while I'm with the children).
Once I've got them into bed I might finish off a piece of work that I haven't had a chance to do during the time they were at school, or while they were at home after school (like this article, for instance). I find it hard to switch off from work until I know I have done what needs doing that day, so for me this is not a problem.
Equally, I think it's good for the children to know that I have important work that needs doing, and that sometimes (but certainly not always) means I must work when they are around.
Those who are natural separators may find this challenging, as there is a risk that the competing demands being placed upon them become overwhelming. They would far rather keep working until they have finished whatever tasks need doing that day.
There is no right or wrong here. The key is to work out whether you are a natural separator or integrator - reading the above may have given you a gut feel either way - and then work in line with that natural preference.
The challenge is when you are naturally one or the other but try to work against your natural preference. Professional parents returning to work after a period of parental leave may struggle because, prior to having a child, they worked as separators. Work took priority to social life, but that's just how it was.
After having children, it's not quite that simple; you may feel driven to integrate because your child is an equal (or greater) priority to your career, and yet - certainly in the first few months back - your brain hasn't adapted to having a different work style. Your colleagues may not have done either - both of these may lead you to feel guilty and in constant conflict, behaving as a separator when you really want to be an integrator.
You may also find that if you are returning to work on a part-time basis, you want to try and separate on your non-working days (prioritising time with your child) but find that work demands lead you to integrate more than you wish to.
Whichever you are, there are key points to remember: being strict about your priority list will help you overcome the urge to either check your emails when you should really be spending time with your children (integrators); or spend all evening at work when you really could be at home bathing the children (separators).
If you are an integrator, make sure you communicate clearly with family and colleagues so that they know what you are doing when (and therefore what they can expect from you). If you are a separator, think about how best you can put up strong boundaries so that one doesn't blend into the other.
As a final note on this subject, I thought it might be helpful to list out some pointers that I was discussing with a coachee recently. She had returned to work three days a week but was finding the attempts at work-life balance somewhat overwhelming:
Rebecca Ford-Johnson, Leadership and Parent Transition Coach