Unmasking: 12 Ways to Advocate for Yourself and Embrace Authenticity
For many neurodivergent individuals, the term masking may feel familiar — but understanding its full impact and how it affects your daily life can be a crucial first step towards unmasking and embracing your true self. Masking refers to the conscious or unconscious act of suppressing your authentic traits, behaviours, or emotions to fit into societal or social expectations. It often involves hiding sensory overload, or mimicking social behaviours, even if they don't feel natural to you. While it can provide temporary relief from feeling different, the emotional, physical, and psychological costs of masking can be profound.
Unmasking is about allowing your true self to emerge. It doesn't mean being completely transparent with every aspect of your personality. Instead, it's about giving yourself permission to exist authentically, to express your needs, and to advocate for your own well-being.
Identify when you're masking
The first step in unmasking is understanding when and why you mask. Take some time to reflect on the moments when you feel like you're putting on a mask. Is it in large social gatherings? During meetings? With family members? Identifying these moments helps you understand the triggers that cause you to mask. It's also important to understand your unique needs, whether it's sensory sensitivity, a preference for routine, or social anxiety. Knowing what you need allows you to advocate for yourself more effectively.
Example:
At work, you may feel compelled to nod and smile during meetings. You may be masking because you're worried about appearing disconnected. Recognising this helps you start to question whether these behaviours are truly helping you or causing unnecessary stress.
Start small
Unmasking in social situations can be challenging, especially if you've spent years managing how you're perceived. Start by taking small steps towards being more authentic in conversations or interactions. This doesn't mean you need to reveal everything about yourself at once - just gradually make room for your true self.
Example:
In a group chat or at a social gathering, instead of forcing yourself to smile or engage in small talk if you're feeling overwhelmed, you might say, "I'm feeling a bit drained right now, so I might be quieter than usual, but I'm still here." This lets others know that you're not disengaging because of them, but because of your own needs, without needing to over-explain yourself.
Set boundaries
One of the most important aspects of unmasking is learning how to set boundaries that protect your energy and emotional health. Boundaries may include saying "no" to events or commitments that drain you or asking for time alone when you need to recharge.
Example:
At work, if you're asked to take on a last-minute project and feel it will overwhelm you, say, "I'd love to help with this, but I'm currently managing other tasks that need my attention. Can we discuss how to prioritise this in the coming days?" By setting a clear boundary, you ensure you're not overcommitting yourself and giving yourself the space you need.
In social settings, if a conversation is too much or uncomfortable, you might say, "I'm sorry, I need to step away for a moment," without feeling obligated to explain further.
Challenge social expectations
Social expectations can be especially difficult to navigate when you're neurodivergent. The pressure to conform to certain social norms or professional standards can make it harder to embrace your authentic self. But instead of bending to these pressures, start to challenge them - politely, but firmly.
Example:
If you're in a social setting where people expect constant eye contact but it makes you uncomfortable, be proactive: "I hope you don't mind, but I find it easier to focus on the conversation if I'm not looking directly into someone's eyes the whole time. I'm still listening and engaged." This helps others understand that your lack of eye contact doesn't mean you're disinterested; it's just part of how you interact.
Ask for specific adjustments at work
It's often in professional environments that neurodivergent individuals feel the greatest pressure to mask. However, the more you can advocate for specific adjustments, the more you'll be able to thrive in these environments. Whether it's sensory needs, work patterns, or communication styles, requesting small, reasonable adjustments can make a big difference.
Example:
If you find it difficult to concentrate in noisy environments, you can ask your manager: "I work best in quieter spaces. Would it be possible for me to have a desk away from the main office area, or to use noise-cancelling headphones during focused tasks?"
Embrace your communication style
Masking often involves adapting your communication style to what is expected in social or professional contexts. Unmasking involves giving yourself the permission to communicate in a way that feels most comfortable and authentic for you. This might include directness, fewer social interactions or even using assistive technology to help you process conversations.
Example:
If you prefer to receive written communication instead of verbal discussions to better process information, you could say: "I often find it easier to follow up on meeting notes in writing, so I can revisit the details at my own pace. Please can we send out meeting summaries after each discussion?"
Use tools to support sensory needs
Sensory sensitivities are a big part of why masking occurs, especially in environments like the workplace or busy social gatherings. Unmasking might involve using tools or strategies to accommodate your sensory needs without feeling self-conscious.
Example:
If bright lights or noisy environments affect you, don't be afraid to bring in your own solutions. For instance, "I'm really sensitive to bright lights, so I'll be using my desk lamp instead of the overhead lights to help me concentrate better." Or, if sound is an issue, you might use noise-cancelling headphones and let colleagues know: "I use noise-cancelling headphones to help me focus in noisy environments. Please don't take it personally if I don't always notice someone coming up to me!"
Be honest about your energy levels
Masking can often come from the pressure to be constantly "on" in social or professional contexts. Unmasking might mean giving yourself the space to be honest about your energy levels and taking breaks when necessary. It's all about finding balance.
Example:
In the middle of a long workday, if you're feeling mentally drained, you could say, "I need to step away for a moment to recharge - I find that taking a short walk or having some quiet time helps me reset." In social situations, if you're feeling overwhelmed by the number of people or the energy in the room, it's okay to say, "I need a break to gather myself, but I'll be back shortly."
This kind of honesty not only protects your energy but helps others understand your needs in a non-dramatic, straightforward way.
Express your need for structure or routine
Many neurodivergent individuals thrive on routine and structure, and unmasking may involve being honest about your need for clear schedules or predictable patterns in your day. Instead of forcing yourself to be spontaneous in social or work situations, try to express what you need to feel comfortable and in control.
Example:
In a work environment, if you're dealing with a constantly changing workload or ad-hoc tasks, you might request: "I work best when I have a structured schedule or a clear to-do list. Is there any way we can plan out tasks in advance so I can stay organised?" This communicates that your preference for routine helps you perform better.
Similarly, in social settings, you might say, "I tend to find it easier to commit to plans if I know what to expect. Could we confirm the details in advance?"
Leverage your strengths
Unmasking is about recognising your strengths and seeking opportunities that align with your abilities, rather than masking them or hiding them to fit in. Advocate for yourself by suggesting projects or responsibilities that leverage your unique strengths.
Example:
If you have a knack for data analysis, pattern recognition, or problem-solving, don't hide those skills. At work, you might say, "I've noticed that I'm particularly skilled at finding patterns in data and analysing complex information. I'd love to take on a project that allows me to use these strengths to solve problems or optimise processes."
In social settings, don't be afraid to share what you excel at and what you enjoy. For example, "I love talking about [topic], so if you're up for it, I'd enjoy discussing that during our next catch-up!" This can make conversations more enjoyable and allow you to engage authentically.
Practise self-advocacy in everyday life
Unmasking doesn't just apply to professional or social environments; it's a lifelong process that can also enhance your everyday interactions. Whether it's asking for a seating arrangement that suits your sensory needs or requesting time to process information, practising self-advocacy in smaller settings can help build confidence in larger, more formal situations.
Example:
When dining out, you could request a quieter table if noise is a sensory trigger: "Do you have any tables in a quieter section of the restaurant? It helps me enjoy the meal better." Similarly, in everyday tasks, if you're in a busy store and need space to process or slow down, you could politely ask the staff, "Please can I take a moment to look at this? I process things at my own pace."
Find allies and support networks
Unmasking can feel isolating, especially if you're doing it alone. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community can provide the encouragement and validation you need. Seek out friends, family members, or colleagues who understand and respect your need to unmask. Additionally, joining online or in-person support groups for neurodivergent individuals can offer insight, advice, and solidarity.
Example:
In the workplace, you might identify a colleague or manager who is empathetic to your needs and can act as an advocate for you. You might say, "I'm working on being more open about my needs, and it would mean a lot if you could help me navigate this new approach."
Conclusion
Unmasking is a courageous and ongoing process that requires self-compassion, awareness, and advocacy. By recognising the need to unmask and gradually embracing your true self, you can empower yourself to live a life that is not only more authentic but also healthier, more productive, and ultimately more fulfilling.
