School Anxiety and Refusal: What Can Parents Do?

School anxiety and refusal can be challenging for both children and their families. For parents, this reluctance can be worrying, especially as missed school days add up. Supporting a child through school anxiety requires understanding, patience, and a tailored approach to help them feel safe and confident.

This article offers practical tips and insights to help you work through these issues together, making school a more positive experience for your child.

Practical Tips for School Refusal

Before we delve into the potential causes of school anxiety and refusal, let’s look at some practical steps you can take right away if your child is struggling to attend school.

Encourage Open Dialogue and Validation

Encourage a safe space where your child feels heard. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you’re here to listen without judgment. This open line of communication can make it easier for them to express their fears and for you to understand the root causes of their school anxiety.

Establish a Morning Routine

Children who experience school refusal may feel less overwhelmed when they know what to expect in the morning. Try establishing a consistent routine to help create a calm start to the day. This might include setting out clothes and packing bags the night before, allowing time for breakfast, or incorporating a relaxing activity like deep breathing or light stretching.

Address Negative Thoughts with Reassurance

Children with school anxiety often have negative thoughts about school that increase their fear. Encourage your child to voice these thoughts and respond with reassurance and perspective. Statements like, “It’s okay to feel this way; let’s work through it together” or “Let’s take things one day at a time” can help them feel supported and understood.

Gradual Exposure to School

If possible, try a gradual approach to ease back into school. For some children, a full day at school can feel daunting. Start with half days or just attending specific classes, and gradually increase the time spent at school.

Work Closely with the School

Start by making an appointment with your child’s teacher, the Special Educational Needs Coordinator (SENCo), or the Head of Year. If you’ve received a letter regarding your child’s absence, use it as an opportunity to develop a supportive plan together. This approach ensures that the school is fully aware of the situation and can offer the help your child needs.

Learn to Identify Bullying

If bullying is a concern, familiarise yourself with the school’s policies, particularly their stance on zero tolerance. Understanding these policies will help you know what steps the school is required to take to address bullying incidents.

Signs of School Anxiety

While some children might tell you outright that they don’t want to go to school, others might drop subtle hints or give reasons to avoid it. Look out for these signs:

• Irritability and crying before school
• Nightmares or difficulty sleeping
• Stomach aches or feeling unwell
• Decline in grades
• Missing homework
• Becoming clingy or overly attached to you
• Trouble paying attention
• Loss of appetite

Causes of School Anxiety and Refusal

When a child is anxious about going to school, it can stem from various reasons. Here are some common causes and ways to help:

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety can affect children of any age. While it’s often associated with very young children, primary-aged children can experience it too.

How to Help: First, don’t be too hard on yourself. As a working parent, you may already feel stretched for time with your child, but remember, separation anxiety is common.

To help your child, talk about the fun activities you can do together after school. Make goodbyes quick and positive when dropping them off. Allow your child to express their feelings and acknowledge them by saying things such as, “It sounds like you’re feeling scared about going to school, and that’s okay.”

Academic Anxiety

Your child might feel pressured by the academic demands of school, even in primary years. If they’re approaching the end of primary school, they might feel anxious about transitioning to secondary school, which can manifest as school avoidance.

How to Help: Avoid putting too much pressure on your child. While it’s natural to want your child to perform well and succeed, it’s also important to remember that children are already under a lot of pressure. Try and make learning fun with these 8 Engaging and Educational Activities for After School.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety can also contribute to school anxiety or refusal. Your child might be nervous about interacting with peers or worry about what others think of them.

How to Help: Encourage your child to talk openly about their social experiences and feelings. Role-playing social situations at home can help them feel more confident. Reinforce the idea that it’s perfectly okay to be themselves.

Building friendships outside school can alleviate social pressure. Arrange playdates or meetups outside of school hours to help your child develop strong social bonds that might make school feel more welcoming.

Bullying

Bullying, especially with the impact of social media, can sometimes be hard to detect but can be a significant factor in school refusal.

How to Help: If you suspect your child is being bullied, communicate with the school immediately. Having a trusted adult at school whom your child can confide in can also be very helpful. We signpost you to our What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied article for further support in this area.

Social media can exacerbate anxiety, especially if your child is exposed to negative or unrealistic comparisons. Encourage screen-free time, particularly in the evenings, to help reduce any social anxiety that may arise from online interactions.

Health Conditions

Sometimes, underlying health conditions may contribute to school anxiety.

How to Help: Consult with your GP to rule out any health issues that might be affecting your child’s ability to attend school. Family therapy, support groups, or individual counselling with a child psychologist experienced in anxiety can provide targeted help.